POP QUIZ!
- When was the last time you were fully and truly yourself, for good, bad, or indifferent?
- How many quirks, behaviors, thoughts, beliefs, etc. do you hide away from others so that they won’t reject you or so that you can appear “normal”?
- Have you ever had to mask the person you really are, in order to conform to society’s idea of who you should be?
If answering these questions feels odd to you, then that means you’ve likely been able to live freely as the person you feel like you are. You can be authentically yourself without the fear of heavy judgement or misunderstanding.
Life brings us many twists and turns and no one has really quite figured out the real secret to life.
Well, I have a news for you. Life satisfaction and general happiness in life are achievable. Ok, so maybe that’s not such a news flash, but I do think we tend to look for concrete answers and directives to get to a level of satisfaction and happiness that sustains us for long periods of time.
But friends, that’s just not how life works. There is no set of rules or guidance that we can all follow to take us to the happiest of heights and keep us there. Inevitably, you face many barriers that will compromise the very essence of your satisfaction and happiness. And, those things are not unilateral. As you learn and grow, your idea of satisfaction and happiness shifts and grows.
So why the lesson of satisfaction of happiness? Well, in light of Pride month, there are 3 barriers that the LGBTQIA+ community faces day in and day out that constantly compromises that life satisfaction and happiness:
Authenticity, Vulnerability, and Connection.
Let’s take a moment to break those down. Authenticity is a person’s ability to be fully and unapologetically themselves. Vulnerability is a person’s ability to let down their masks, shields, and walls to give another person access to their authentic selves. Most people wake up and get dressed in clothes that represent our style, we do our hair and makeup in a way that brings forward our confidence and strength as we step out into the world looking and feeling exactly like how we view ourselves; however, the ability to live with complete authenticity is way more difficult to maintain than most realize.
Many people default to something called masking. Masking is purposefully concealing aspects of your personality, behaviors, or beliefs to appear “normal” or to fit in with a larger group. Kind of like when you go on a first date, the best parts of you are radiant, and the other parts are put in a little box for when you become comfortable in that relationship.
But when a person identifies with an oppressed or marginalized identity, masking often becomes necessary to act as if they are just like everyone else. All the time. That little box is locked and shoved on a shelf. For the LGBTQIA+ community, this often means more than just omitting information from time to time, like pretending that you didn’t just eat a bag of Cheetos for dinner last night, or how you may or may not still sleep with a nightlight (#judgementfreezone).
For many LGBTQIA+ people, masking often means acting cisgender and “straight” so that others don’t suspect your sexual orientation or choosing not to bring your partner to family events, even if you’ve been together for years. It’s a double consciousness of what words, mannerisms, or opinions you hold, and how they might out you to others or draw attention to your non-cisgender/heterosexual-ness.
It’s learning how to exist in the world while actively hiding who you are, and masking your reaction to casual homophobia or transphobia, so that they won’t figure out you aren’t “one of them.”
So, how does a person be authentic when they aren’t safe in their authenticity? And if a person is masking their authenticity, how are they supposed to be vulnerable?
For folks within oppressed or marginalized identities, being vulnerable could mean putting themselves in dangerous or unsafe situations, never mind feeling embarrassed about their opinions on pizza toppings (ahh the good old pineapple debate) or taste in TV. If you’re asking yourself “wait, how can a person’s identity put them in danger?”, then you may want to start with recognizing the privilege of not knowing exactly how your identity can put you in danger.
There are people in this world who go out of their way to be horrible to folks in oppressed and marginalized identities, and while someone might think, “Okay, but not ALL cisgender/heterosexual folks do xyz” what they don’t realize is that all it takes is one person to see your identity and react in a violent, abusive, or harmful way.
It is a privilege to not have this double consciousness.
Remember how we also mentioned connection? Connection in general is a person’s physical, emotional, and spiritual attachment to others, but I’m talking that deep, unconditional connection that almost feels reckless. The lost in each other in a crowded place kind of connection.
If you don’t feel safe being LGBTQIA+, you are more likely to avoid those public displays of affection like hand-holding, hugging, kissing, or displays of tenderness with your beloved partner, to avoid potential danger from others. It also probably means that you are keeping pictures, messages, anniversaries, and relationship milestones out of general day-to-day conversations.
Add all of these factors together, and you have a recipe for a higher likelihood of experiencing depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, and many other serious mental health concerns.
It bears a crushing weight to not feel like you can exist and live freely unless you want to jeopardize your life.
Pride month is a celebration of LGBTQIA+ identities, regardless of how visible or out they are. But more than just visibility, it’s about advocating to make our world a safer place for LGBTQIA+ folks to be authentic, vulnerable, and connect with others. It’s about staring down age-old stigmas and beginning meaningful conversations. It’s to stop the dehumanization of human beings for being human, even if it’s different from others. This world is full of diversity for a reason. How can we be expected to grow if we are stuck in the rut of all thinking exactly the same? Find pride in your authenticity, vulnerability and connection, because we all deserve to be seen and celebrated for who we are.
