How do you grieve the loss of something you never had? How is it possible to grieve something you’re still losing? These are concepts that have hit home for so many of us during the last year. They are often unspoken and misunderstood concepts that are both hard to explain and heal from. Invisible loss or ambiguous grief occurs so often that it can be considered a normal part of life that we all have to deal with. Although this may be true, it doesn’t change the fact that we go through the cycle and stages of grief regardless.

Identifying Ambiguous Grief

Grief and loss are most commonly understood in the context of death or dying. The experiences of losing a loved one or dealing with the end-of-life process are ones that are finite and have numerous associated rituals that support healing and acceptance. Losses that are not as concrete are often unspoken and therefore unheard, leaving the grieving party feeling isolated and emotionally confused. These types of losses are often called “ambiguous or disenfranchised.” They can include several experiences, such as caring for a loved one with dementia, experiencing a pregnancy loss, and most recently for all of us, the effects of COVID-19. 

Doka (2009) explained that ambiguous or “disenfranchised losses are those that are either not recognized or acknowledged, often have stigma attached to them, and no rituals to provide a sense of meaning to what has happened.” For instance, during a worldwide pandemic, we have all likely experienced canceled milestone events. We have all lost the sense of safety that used to be subconsciously present while going to a concert or attending a wedding. In another example, those who have experienced miscarriage often feel stigmatized. Although a common loss experience, many do not discuss how traumatizing it was and rituals to provide closure and space to process aren’t as commonly utilized. Though they are less tangible “losses,” most agree they elicit traditional grief responses – sadness, anger, guilt, lack of motivation and energy, and sleep disturbances to name a few. 

Navigating Ambiguous Grief

It is so important for us to acknowledge the losses we’ve experienced, even if we are just recently recognizing them, or still going through them. While we all have different ways of dealing with ambiguous grief/loss, we can support one another by providing validation. We are dealing with a uniquely shared experience during this pandemic. It may be one of the only shared losses we as a society have sustained collectively. It is okay to feel vulnerable, to talk about the loss, and to grieve what may have been. If you are experiencing ambiguous grief or loss, reach out. It could change the course of your healing for the better.