We live in a world occupied by “buts” (No, not the body part formally known as the buttocks ), I’m talking about the “but” that we use as a conjunction. The small but mighty word that is used to contrast something that has already been stated. This word has become so common place that we often do not recognize the power it carries when we are communicating to ourselves or with others. It is a word that has the ability to raise defenses and shatter conversations.

Take a moment and think about it…those conversations you’ve had in the past where you know the “but” is coming:

• “I think you’re great, but…”
• “I appreciate the effort, but…”
• “I would love to, but…”

Think about how you possibly felt in some of those moments; the anticipation and the assumptions about what was going to come next.

Often, when our brain hears the word “but”, everything that was said before it goes out the window. It all ties back into the power of our words…words that we use so often, with little regard or consideration for how they stick or the meaning behind them.

This is where my advocacy for the power of “and” enters the picture.

It’s amazing how two of the smallest/simplest words can potentially have some of the biggest influence (positively and negatively) on our lives and our relationships.

While “but” separates and contrasts, “AND” joins and allows two things to exist at the same time…even if those two things are opposed to one another.

For example, say, “I love you, BUT I’m struggling in our relationship”, now say, “I love you AND I’m struggling in our relationship”. Same sentence with one minor change that significantly alters the course of a conversation. It can change how people interpret what we are saying and how they respond to us.

We live in a world that often sees things as black and white, right, or wrong, good, or bad, which can make allowing two opposing things to both be true, difficult and uncomfortable. And nothing worth doing is ever easy! Working to replace “buts” with “ands” not only has the ability to positively impact our engagements with others, it can also shift how we feel about ourselves.

Think about something you say to yourself all the time that includes the word “but”:

• “I like how I look today, but…”
• “I’m feeling positive, but…”
• “I worked so hard, but…”

When we talk to ourselves in “but” form, we negate part of the conversation, and it is important to consider all parts of the conversation. Some people may argue that in some cases, the use of “but” may help to contrast a negative statement towards ourselves, and you would be correct. I would also surmise that the use of “and” allows us to see/consider both sides of the coin for what they are.

Consider the following statement that a lot of us may think at times:

• “I hate my legs (or enter any other body part you dislike here), but they enable me to move around freely”

Now, replace “but” with “and”…

• “I hate my legs AND they enable me to move around freely”.

With the use of “and” you are allowing both thoughts to be true at the same time, without feeling that you have to either feel one or the other.

When we try to negate a negative thought with “but”, the negative thought often overpowers and wins out over the more positive thoughts. 

Here are some other statements I often talk with clients about supplementing “and” for “but”:

• “I have made a lot of progress, but I still have more to learn” versus “I have made a lot of progress and I still have more to learn”
• “I have strengths, but I also have weaknesses” versus “I have strengths and I also have weaknesses”
• “I have things I want to accomplish, but I struggle with my mental health” versus “I have things I want to accomplish and I struggle with my mental health”
• “I want to be vulnerable, but I am scared” versus “I want to be vulnerable and I’m scared”

The sooner we can encourage ourselves and others to begin using “and” instead of “but”, the sooner we will begin to see a healthy shift in perspectives and mindsets.

This extends to how we model this for our children. Teaching children to be “and” thinkers versus “but” thinkers has the ability to teach children the power of dialectics and that two opposing things can both be true at the same time.

Imagine how this could potentially change the course of their thought process growing up. When you tell them “I do love you AND you are not getting a toy today”, they are able to extend this perspective to communicate to a friend “I care about our friendship AND I am not going to lie for you”. This also gives them the power of self-awareness when they can tell themselves “I want to give up AND I am able to keep going”.

So, how do I do this, you may ask? The simple answer is to start noticing your “buts”. Bringing an awareness to the words you use has an amazing ability to begin shifting your thought process and, in turn, your words.

At first, you will likely be surprised at how many times you use the word “but”, but don’t give up .

You may also have times where you feel a “but” is totally justified, and that is totally okay (just like I did above). As much as I have tried, “and” doesn’t always effectively replace every “but”. 

Once you can notice your “buts” in your thoughts and statements, you can begin to try replacing them with “and”. Start small and build from there.

I can almost guarantee, once you begin, you will start to notice a shift in your thought process and your interactions with others perspective.

At CWCS we work with our clients using these techniques to show that you have the power over how you feel AND how you heal. These shifts take time and practice, but if you feel you need more guidance, our team would be happy to be your mental health mentor.